Self loathing

Today, for the first time maybe ever, I loath my self.

As I write this word I taste how ugly it is, how it’s was never a part of my vocabulary, how I am used to putting all kinds of difficulties and emotions in writing, but never had I ever used a term like this.

And what’s interesting is that feeling does not come from a place of immense failure, nor does it come from a deep guilt or wrong doing, it simply comes from two crisp smart phone notifications I received in within hours of each other.

The first was saying that the license of my two year old business, and the other is from this site itself, it’s the subscription renewal from WordPress!

Why would these regular insignificant and hundred percent predictable notifications bring me to my breaking point? why would they in all their innocence make loath myself?

Since I could remember, I always had great ideas, I am no Einstein by any means of course, but you know, I have had decent sense of logic, imagination and thoughts anyone who heard it was impressed. However, I simply never followed up on any.

But whenever it comes to doing the actual work, putting the effort and most importantly, the commitment, I slag and revert to my procrastinating lazy self.

In this article I will not be preaching a solution, I will not give reasons and justifications, I will not even address the feeling or try to comfort myself or process it in my brain.

Today i will only admit, that I am a person who has let herself down, and it’s not our of lack of ability, just out of habit, and this habit will break.

My first step will be committing to documenting this habit breaking journey here in my personal blog.

Something inside me is already telling me you will fail, but I will put my fingers on this keyboard everyday from now on, and we’ll see.

10\12\2020

And I know I am more determent this time because hey, it’s only 20 days till new year, but I will not wait for new year’s resolutions, I am starting now! So close to the satisfaction of starting on Jan,1st!

Published by Haya Sharani

An employee, entrepreneur, wife, friend, cat-mom, and very interested in mental health and psychology tactics.

One thought on “Self loathing

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